"It'll Come Back"

So I've been doing that thing where I haven't posted much on the blog lately because, well, I don't like talking about things that I frankly don't like. And I don't like recovery much at all. But I figured that it could be therapeutic to give an update so here goes...

I was cleared to start running again by my PT officially on August 25th. This was earlier than I expected and was pleasantly surprised. When I arrived to my session that afternoon, I started with my regular warm up (8 minutes on the stationary bike and calf stretches) and was told I was going to do a few strength exercises and if they went well, we'd try running. My first thought was OMG OMG OMG! (my second was I should have worn a better bra 🤣). After a few successful rounds of Straight Leg Lifts and Squats, I was told to get on the treadmill. While no treadmill fan, I was all in.

My PT started it up and had his finger on the Speed Up arrow and told me to say stop if I needed it. I think we all know I did not say stop. I was going to do this if it killed me. It felt bad, but not in a pain bad kind a way, in a I have forgotten how to run kind of way. I was awkward, I was stomping, I was basically a disaster. So much so, another PT came over for the following conversation:

Other PT: You don't run on a treadmill do you?

Me: (huff puff): No, I hate treadmills

My PT: You're bad at it

Other PT: Really bad at it. 

Me: Gee thanks, guys. Way to encourage me (huff puff)

Other PT: Seriously, you're super awkward at this. You're stomping. And you're too close. And you need to lengthen your stride. And bend your left knee more. But straighten your right leg more. And do you know, just do everything different. 

My PT: Yeah, maybe just stop. We can go outside instead. Do you wanna try outside?

Me: Yes! YES!!!! Just stop describing me, okay?

*Disclaimer, I really like the PTs. Super nice guys, but yeah, they're pretty causal and honest about everything. They also talk about ice cream EVERY.SINGLE.SESSION without fail.

I'd like to say that outside went better, which, I guess it did, but still, trying to run for the first time felt off. I left like I had totally forgotten how to run. It felt wrong. I was super discouraged. After running around in circles and making adjustments (bend more, bend less...) I had completed about a half a mile and was pretty disheartened. But I was running again. And my PT said to me - It'll come back. 

I was told to not run again that day, but go out and keep trying as I felt comfortable. No limits, just stop if it bothers you and keep trying. And it'll come back.

So the next day, after work, I went out for a run. It was AWFUL. It still felt wrong. I was SLOOOOOOOOW. I ran out of steam almost immediately. I had no endurance. I was not acclimatized to the 90+degrees out. I was frustrated at my inability to do something that used to come so easy to me. I felt defeated. 

Right after my first run. I'm smiling, but I don't mean it

When asked by my friends and family how it went, I told them and their reply was pretty much the same across the board - It'll come back. 

I took a day off. I went out again on Friday. It sucked again. It'll come back I was told again. 

On Saturday, I went to the track to test out running a mile. I only had to concentrate on forward, no terrain, no hills, no traffic, just forward. It still felt so awkward, but a little bit better. I managed to log a 11:13 pace mile. And it almost killed me to do it. To put that into perspective, the previous mile at that track was 7:32 pace. And that was about a month before my surgery when my knee was in pretty rough shape. I think my best mile on that track was just a bit under 7. It'll come back. 

I kept going out. Not being stupid or anything, not pushing too hard, but doing what I could to increase my miles and my endurance. I had high hopes that all the walking I had done would have made a difference, and maybe it did, but it didn't feel like it. 

I ran a Virtual 5K on Thursday, Sept. 3rd. My goal was to run it without stopping, which, thankfully I did. But my pace, my pace was crazy slow. My average pace was 12:40 per mile. The week before my surgery,  had run a Virtual 5K at an average 8:26 per mile pace. Yikes. 

And all along, everyone I know has asked me over and over again - How is the running going. Frustrating, I usually say. It'll come back is almost always the reply. I've grown to hate that reply. 

But you know what I've figured out in the last 3 weeks of struggling and pushing and being frustrated. No, no it won't come back. Not in the simple sense at least. I'll bring it back, kicking and screaming. I will start over pretty much from scratch and drag myself back. See the problem isn't that I am just learning how to run with a new, reformed knee. With the 4 weeks of immobility and 6 weeks of brace/crutches, I virtually lost every bit of muscle in my left quad. My leg feels hollow. The muscle cannot support my weight at times. That's not something that just comes back. It's something I have to build back. And it's frustrating. And it hurts. And I hate it. But I'll do it. Because this is important to me. And I want it very badly. 

So right now, I'm super frustrated. I'm angry at not being able to do the things I used to and feel like I should be able to. I'm mad at my body for now doing what I want it to. And I no longer love running like I used to. But, it'll come back. 

Because this is tough, but I'm tougher.